My Town, My Eyes

So I've been waiting to blog about my lasik experience until I could look back objectively. I think I'm far enough removed now to describe my experience without using too many profanities. For the faint of heart, I suggest you stop reading. This post is pretty graphic. First, the surgery went fine and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Being able to live without contacts or glasses is wonderful. My eyesight gets a little wacky every once in a while and my eyes tend to get tired in the evening but I'm told that's normal for the first few weeks. The day of the surgery I was nervous. They run a bunch of you through one after the other so you're sitting in a waiting room with people who are in the same boat as you. In my case I was sitting across from a prominent TV news personality who was just in front of me on the schedule. They call you back in 20 minute intervals to a prep area where you are fitted with a surgical gown, cap and booties. They give you a half milligram of Valium and some ibuprofen to take the edge off and put you in a recliner to hang out until the drugs take effect. TV news guy gave me a nod and a "hello" in a manner that told me he was feeling pretty good. Unfortunately for me I have a very high tolerance to most sedative-type drugs so giving me a Valium did about as much good as a sugar pill. In fact, by the time the nurse came to get me I was jiggling my legs like a preschooler who just finished off a box of Cocoa Puffs. So TV news guy gets taken back to surgery and was back very quickly. He seemed none the worse for wear and gave me a sort of "it's not so bad" look as they ushered him back to his recliner. So they take me back to the operating room where they ask you to state your name and which eye(s) is being operated on. After that there's no messing around. You're on your back on the table and they're taping your eye wide open with four strips of medical tape and putting anesthetic drops in. Then comes the CLAMP. First some explanation. Your eye has to remain absolutely motionless during the laser procedure. Since a normal person is not able to keep their eye still while someone smokes it with a laser, they place a jig that literally clamps on to your eyeball. Only one problem. To your average person who is whacked out on Valium this amounts to about as much discomfort as a tap on the shoulder. To someone like me with full awareness of what was going on it felt like... Well, it felt like someone was putting a clamp on my eyeball! As I attempted to rip the cover off the operating table and refrain from using the kind of language reserved for hitting your thumb with a hammer, I felt several pairs of hands holding me still. I'm pretty sure at that point they all realized I wasn't a drugged-out Valium-type guy. After the shock of the clamp, everything else was a breeze. First Doctor Silverstein explained that I would briefly lose my vision. He didn't explain "why" but I knew from research that they were making the incision for "the flap." That only took a few seconds. Then the laser began. It was nothing more than a seeing a bunch of tiny red dots dancing around in your vision. It was almost soothing compared to the medieval torture device clamped to my eye. Of course something else they don't prepare you for is the smell. Ever get a whiff of burning eyeball? Each eye took four minutes total from clamp on to clamp off. I was much more prepared for the second eye since I knew what was coming. Tape, drops, clamp, internal swearing, temporary blindness, light show, "what's that smell?" and then done. So it's been three weeks and my eyes are doing great. I see perfectly and even my closeup vision has improved to the point where I don't have to ask Nicole to read fine print for me. I know reading glasses are still in my future but it seems I have delayed the inevitable for now. The people at Silverstein Eye Center were fantastic. Aside from the whole "not telling me about the clamp" thing which really wasn't their fault. How were they to know I need a horse tranquilizer to get me in the mood for eyeball clamps? If you want to ditch your glasses and contacts it's definitely the way to go.